


Passive Suicidal Ideation

by SlytherinKilljoy



Series: Karushuu Week 2021 [1]
Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Canonical Child Abuse, Gen, Happy Ending, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Karushuu Week 2021, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Panic Attacks, Standardized Tests, passive suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:52:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28988091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinKilljoy/pseuds/SlytherinKilljoy
Summary: (Noun)—Passive Suicidal Ideation: occurs when you wish you were dead or that you could die, but you don't actually have any plans to commit suicide.Gakushu Asano is usually good at making plans.He doesn’t realize that just because he never makes plans to die, doesn’t mean he’s not suicidal.Written for Karushuu Week 2021 “Dream” Prompt. Day 1.
Relationships: Akabane Karma/Asano Gakushuu
Series: Karushuu Week 2021 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128542
Comments: 7
Kudos: 140
Collections: Asano Gakushuu Centric





	Passive Suicidal Ideation

**Author's Note:**

> Heed tags! May be triggering to some.
> 
> I’m basically trying to spread awareness on what Passive Suicidal Ideation is, because those are just as dangerous as active ones. Passive thoughts can switch to active ones incredibly fast.

He’s 11 when it all comes crashing down. 

It’s his first panic attack, the sinking feeling of despair suffocating him. He can’t breath. Can't move. He’s dying. 

He tastes death that day, terror clinging to his skull and never quite leaving. 

He’s 16 when highschool breaks him in a way he’s never been broken before. His father’s doing better. Really he doesn’t even hit Gakushu anymore. 

But Akabane’s in his class. That means he needs to try harder than ever to stay on top. He can do it. He knows he can. 

The midterm rankings say otherwise. 

2nd place. Again

His father comments on it at dinner—it’s not a cruel comment. It’s polite, even.

“Second place again. That’s not the worst you could do, I suppose.” But the look in his father’s eyes is cold.

It makes Gakushu’s breath hitch, as if a red hot knife was jabbed in his lungs.

So he grits his teeth and pushes himself even harder. 

He needs to beat Akabane. 

Gakushu is certain he might have actually liked this rivalry with Akabane if it weren’t for the horrible insecurities trapped inside his chest.

He’s slipping. He’s slipping through the cracks and he’s scared. One failure is a mistake, two is a habit.

He can’t let Akabane win. He can’t. He just—

Gakushu sobs, desperately gasping for air.

He struggles through brutal study sessions that leave his wrist aching and his head spinning.

He does it. He does it because he simply needs to do well on the first semester finals. 

But then, he f a i l s.

He stares at the result sheet, feeling his heart stop beating for a moment.

“Beat you again, second place.”

And that’s what breaks him. A small comment from Akabane. The redhead is grinning proudly, head tilted to the side as he tries to meet Gakushu’s eyes—

He snaps, seeing red and black—terror clenching his chest. His fist collides with flesh and bone—-

All of a sudden he comes back to himself, sucking air desperately. Ren and the others are holding him back. 

Akabane is clutching his jaw, staring at Gakushu.

“Asano? Are you alright?” Ren frowns, as Gakushu continues to panic. 

He pulls away from Ren’s grip at last, striding right out of the class.

He never wants to go back. 

He crumples the test sheets in his hand, and rips it into hundreds of tiny pieces. It falls into the snow on the ground.

Huh. Snow. With all the stress, Gakushu had barely noticed the seasons changing. But with the cool winds whipping against him, he becomes painfully aware that it’s the middle of winter.

(And yet, he can’t bring himself to care)

He wanders the streets for hours, glassy eyed and stumbling as he walks. His feet are sore and he’s shivering, his school blazer not nearly enough for the cold night. 

He stares up at the hollowed out moon, and lets himself dream of what he would do if he was brave enough.

He would run away from everything. School, home, his father—-

But the problem is, he can’t run away from himself.

So Gakushu forces his tired legs to move just a little bit more. He’s been walking for a long, long time. His phone is filled with notifications over the last few hours. 

He doesn’t read any.

Instead he steps onto the bridge. He walks down the side of the bridge, not daring to look over the rails.

He’s not going to jump. Not really. Gakushu’s a coward. Always has been a coward. 

He just slumps to the ground, resting his head against the rails. 

He doesn’t know what he’s doing, sitting here with no intention to die. 

(But isn’t that a lie? He knows exactly what he’s doing.)

He notices that he’s stopped shivering. Whatever. He’s probably getting used to the cold, he tells himself. (Liar!) His head is all fuzzy for some reason, and it feels so good to just rest his eyes for a moment (Liar)—just fall asleep— 

Liar.

(Karma finds Gakushu on the bridge, curled up on the ground, unresponsive.)

His lips are blue.

He’s not breathing.

* * *

Gakushu doesn’t let himself dream. There’s no point.

It would only get his hopes up.

But on all these painkillers and drugs he’s hooked up to, his dreams are stranger than ever.

He dreams of a world where he was happy. Where he could be Akabane’s rival instead of an insecure try-hard. He dreams of being able to openly be gay—haha, yeah right. Try being openly gay in Japan. There’s no easier way to commit social suicide.

Ahh. Suicide.

In his dream world, he would have the guts to actually commit suicide. To shoot him self or to jump off the bridge.

If only he wasn’t such a coward.

—————————

He wakes up before he really realizes he’s awake. He’s cold, really cold, despite the many heat packs covering him and the thick layer of blankets.

The next few things happen in a blur, with the doctors explaining how he nearly died of hypothermia.

“You were in stage four hypothermia by the time your friend found you. He was quite distressed to have found you like that.” 

Gakushu doesn’t meet the doctor’s eyes, they’re all so pitying.

He despises it.

It was just an accident, why does everyone have to make such a big deal about it?

The first thing Akabane does when he sees Gakushu is hug him.

It’s so unnecessary, and yet Gakushu can’t help leaning in. His cold body is desperate for the warmth.

Akabane looks really tired, and his eyes are puffy.

“You should get some sleep. Actually wait, nevermind, don’t sleep. That way I have a better chance of beating you for the position of number one hottie.”

Akabane quirks a small smile at the reminder that the two of them are tied for 1st place in the official class 1-A rankings on attractiveness.

But then the smile falls off, and something darker enters Akabane’s eyes. “You’re joking like nothing happened. How can you do that?”

Gakushu tenses.

“I didn’t do anything. It was an accident. And I’m fine.” 

Akabane reaches out, his warm fingers slipping between Gakushu’s own. That brief, tender touch manages to break down the barriers between them.

Gakushu can read the pure concern on Akabane’s face now.

The only person who ever looked at him like that before was Ren. Ren who cared the most about him and yet never managed to say the right things or help in the right moments.

Ren tried, but he just never was able to understand.

Akabane though, he gets it.

He understands.

“You’re not an idiot. You know the stages of hypothermia.” Akabane says, barely above a whisper.

And isn’t that the truth?

Gakushu is silent, and Akabane is still.

Neither of them break eye contact.

Right then, the nurse comes in to kick Akabane out, so the tense moment is interrupted.

“Expect me tommorow.” Akabane nods him goodbye.

Gakushu lets out a sigh as his nurse pokes and prods at him again.

Who knew the cold could bother him this much.

* * *

“Hey? Why do you—what happened to you?” 

Gakushu doesn’t respond, continuing to stare out of the window.

“Go away Akabane.”

Akabane moves to touch his shoulder, the way he always get’s Gakushu’s attention—

But this time, Gakushu flinches back.

“I mean it. You’ve been in the hospital this whole time. Who hit you?” Akabane takes a careful step back, giving Gakushu his space.

“My father visited.” Gakushu’s hand reaches towards the bruise on his jaw, “It’s alright. He was just worried for me.”

“Asano.” Akabane starts.

“No. I don’t want to talk about it.” Gakushu says, firmly.

“Alright then.” Akabane defers, “At least we match now.”

Akabane points at his own bruise on his jaw that Gakushu gave him two days ago.

Gakushu winces.

“I’m sorry Akabane—“

“Karma. Call me Karma. We wouldn’t be proper rivals if you still called me by my last name. And besides, I’m partially to blame to. It was an insensitive thing for me to say.”

Something about that comment makes Gakushu tense.

After that, Karma continues chatting with him about Kunugigoaka and prank ideas, just trying to distract Gakushu from his misery.

“—I have to go now. Expect me tommorow, my dear rival.” 

Gakushu wonders why that word made him so upset.

Rivals.

* * *

Karma continues visiting him at the hospital, and even at one point gets into a confrontation with Gakushu’s father.

“Did you really need to shove wasabi in his nose, Karma?” Gakushu stares with poorly hidden awe.

“Did he really need to abuse you all your life?” Karma shoots back.

Gakushu flinches. Hearing that word still disturbs him.

“Sorry Asano.” Karma says, apologetically, “I’m just upset. You’re going to get discharged soon, and you’ll have to go back home to him.”

Karma sits down besides Gakushu, and the two of them sit there in mutual melancholy.

At some point, they end up playing truth or dare.

“What was your childhood dream?”

Gakushu doesn’t even have to think about this one, “To run away. Go far away from my father.”

Karma laughs.

It’s a full, bitter laugh.

“You know what?” Karma leans in, “Same.”

It’s the first time Gakushu gets to hear about Karma’s dysfunctional family, the neglect and the loneliness.

“I want to run away. I always have. But I guess we can’t do that, can we. We can always dream. But…” Karma’s eyes are sad, so sad that Gakushu needs to reach out, squeeze his hand tight.

“One day, we will. We turn 18 in barely more than a year.” 

Karma’s eyes light up with something Gakushu didn’t even realize he was missing. They both understand the weight of what’s being said.

Gakushu is willing to run away with Karma.

“If you’re alive by the time we turn 18, then we will.”

That comment brings Gakushu back down to reality. He takes a deep shuddering breath.

“I’m sorry, Karma. What was I saying?” He laughs bitterly, “I doubt I could last a week, let alone 14 months.”

“Asano—“

“It’s hard, Karma. It’s so hard. How am I supposed to stay alive that long. I can’t. You don’t understand—“ Gakushu breaks into sobs, his chest heaving as he rubs away tears.

Karma’s fingers are gentle as they press his handkerchief into Gakushu’s shaking hands.

“I get it, Asano. It’s not easy. But your friends will help you. I’ll help you. Take it one day at a time. I’ll be here by your side the whole time. I’m not leaving you, dammit, so don’t you dare leave me.” By the time Karma finishes, his own sunset colored eyes are glimmering with tears.

Gakushu is shaken by the sudden show of emotion.

He stares down at the soft handkerchief, overwhelmed by all the words and feelings being thrown at him.

Only one phrase sticks with him.

One day at a time. 

Don’t focus on the future. Do what you want to do right now.

Right now.

Karma’s cheeks are flushed red, and he aggressively wipes his tears.

“I’ll get going now. Expect me tommorow.” Karma’s voice breaks.

Gakushu hesitates for a moment, but then decides, fuck it, and leaps up. 

“Wait!” He shouts.

Karma turns around, and Gakushu gently takes Karma’s hand.

And presses a kiss to the back of his knuckles. Karma’s knuckles are tough from years of punching but his fingers are smooth and warm as ever.

Somehow, kissing Karma’s hand feels even more intimate than a real kiss ever could be.

“I don’t want to be your rival anymore, Karma.” Gakushu says, breathlessly.

Karma’s eyes are blown wide. He’s stunned for several moments.

And at last, he cracks a wide grin.

“Asano, you were always more than just a rival to me.”


End file.
